Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 3:04 pm Post subject: Pressing Issue 33: Gambling: Muirhead Tower to become casino
Birmingham The Muirhead Tower, a notorious eyesore on the campus of the University of Birmingham is to be transformed into a brand new super casino. Plans to transform the rickety structure were announced at a special press conference called by Vladimir Rodinson, Development Secretary for the university. “Muirhead is the biggest crack den on the campus.” Rodinson told a huddled group of reporters outside University Centre “And that’s pretty much Muirhead’s only plus point.” Rodinson outlined the shoddy design and poor maintenance that lies at the heart of Birmingham’s biggest public health disaster. “It was designed and built in the 1960s, back then half the academic staff at the university were on pot and the rest were taking LSD. Some bright spark decided to let the students design and build the university’s newest building. The result was Muirhead.” Explained Rodinson.
Prof. Karl Krisofssen, spokesman for the Historic Building Association of Birmingham took up the story in a private interview at his swanky city apartment “It was an unmitigated disaster from the start of construction. The students were so stoned that a full quarter of the project was finished before it was realised they were building Muirhead upside down.” Said Krisofssen. “The 1980s weren’t kind to Muirhead” he continued “Thatcher ordered the building to be privatised room by room. At one point half the seminar rooms had been turned into fashionable city apartments.”
The new super casino will begin construction in early 2007 with help from an American-Armenian company. Hal Rogerson III, CEO of Loose Change Entertainment Incorporated has reputedly organised a star line up for the gala opening. Guests will include John Prescott and American teen idol Lindsay Lohan. Rogerson was unavailable for comment, he’s rumoured to be in the Vatican City seeking a Papal blessing for the casino.
Rodinson has high hopes for the new project “Muirhead was a disaster and the time has come to move on. We can do just that with this new development.” However Rodinson refused to answer certain questions regarding controversial elements of the plan. In particular some campus leftists have questioned the renovation of Muirhead’s upper floors into a hall of residence for Chinese students. The plan calls for the students to participate in a special mandatory module called Practical Gambling Studies in return for a chance to study the course of their choice.
“Practical Gambling Studies includes opportunities to learn about important developments in liquid physics, chemistry and mathematics.” Says course tutor Dr. Hal Rogerson IV “It also has a strong physical health element as students are expected to move between the bar and a table at quick speeds.” Resident campus leftist Feddy Spartan disagrees “It’s nothing less than a thinly veiled attempt by an American multinational to eviscerate the Chinese expatriate proletariat.” He told a rally of eight students outside the press conference.
The plans for a new casino have been warmly received by Downing Street, speaking on Friday a spokesman said “The Muirhead plans represent a paradigm shift in modern tertiary education by superseding the reactionary pedagogical models of the conservatives, contributing as it does to both social justice and market efficiency.” He refused to clarify exactly what he meant.
The position of Birmingham students on the new plans in unclear, but a Guild of Students poll found 10% to be elated 17% to be overjoyed and 104% to be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. _________________ www.dorothyhell.blogspot.com