In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
Living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has
Become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all
Flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along
With a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to
Build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40
Days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I
Needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing
With the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler
System. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained
Planning permission for building the Ark in my garden
Because it is development of the site even though in my view
It is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted
For the future costs of moving power lines and other
Overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's
Move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming
To us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees
Have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site
Of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect
The spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
That I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against
Their will. They argued the accommodation was too
Restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many
Animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the
Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
They'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to
Hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I
Have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my
Assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years
For me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a
Rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder
And asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
That would be funny - it's about political correctness and shit, see? - if it wasn't for the fact that you can't get round environmental regulations just because you're a nutjob who thinks God is talking to you.