Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 10:42 am Post subject: Newsflash: Guild Council condemns North Korea
Birmingham An emergency meeting of Guild Council, the highest decision making body in the Birmingham University Guild of Students, was called yesterday to discuss North Korea’s nuclear bomb test. “The worst has happened. North Korea has a nuclear device.” Said Joseph Kane, the sabbatical in charge of Foreign Relations for the Guild. Shocked Guild councillors downed pints of cheap ale and chain smoked hastily rolled cigarettes, “It’s the apocalypse.” Said one councillor who did not wish to be named.
Speaking to Guild Council Kane announced that the executive would immediately impose a tough sanctions regime on North Korea. “If Kim Jung-Il thinks he’ll be walking into the Guild and buying one of our beautifully embroidered and exclusively branded university hoodies, well, he’s very much mistaken.” Said Kane. This led to jeers of derision from some councillors, especially those involved in uncovering the “hoodiegate” scandal. Last week student politics was rocked when it was revealed that Guild shops were still selling hoodies produced in the infamous sweatshop known as “Alcatraz” located in rural Thailand and owned by the Sterling Import Company. However, Kane refused to be drawn into domestic issues “This is a question of Guild security. Not a time to be making cheap political points.” He said.
Guild Council voted overwhelmingly to support sanctions on the North Korean government and to send two members of Guild Security to the border between North and South Korea, the Demilitarised Zone, to act as a deterrent against North Korean aggression. Guild Council also agreed to send a “very stern letter indeed” to the North Korean government telling them to stop building nuclear bombs. “Gary Hughes has already spoken to General Secretary Kofi Annan.” Said Kane “He is in consultation with other world leaders as to the best way to resolve the Korean issue.”
The North Korean ambassador issued the following statement “We refuse to bow to the imperialist pig-dogs of the Guild of Students. For too long the people of Korea have been menaced by the machinations of Western powers. BUGS be warned, we have the bomb and we will use it!”
The Birmingham University Guild of Students has played a pivotal role in international politics for many years. Earlier in the year Guild Council slammed Iran for trying to develop a bomb and imposed sanctions, a step that is yet to be followed by the United Nations, the United Kingdom, France or anyone except the USA. The Guild also played a key part in contributing to the fall of the Soviet Union and the end of apartheid. World leaders are likely to pay serious attention to the Guild’s latest intervention in international politics.