|Joined: 09 Mar 2006|
|Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 9:29 pm Post subject: Gendersis
The Tale of Adam and Steve
In Which Many Things are Created and God Repeatedly Sees That They Are Good
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
Then He made many animals and He saw that they were good. But He did not have time to duplicate all of them, so instead He devised a process by which they might duplicate themselves, and He told them to do so. However, He cautioned them never to enjoy it, reminding the animals that He had not created them so that they could have a good time.
By and by He saw that the animals grew hungry. So He created grass and plants which they could eat. He saw also that this was good. At the meeting by which He presented these plants, God told the animals that He had decided to feed them, out of the selfless generosity of His heart; and He told them that they should be very thankful, and they were.
And so in six days the world was made and God saw that it was good. He was very tired and decided to rest. Indeed, He was beginning to feel his age; and because He did not think that it looked good for God to rest after six paltry days of work, He declared that all living beings should rest after the same time. He called this tactic "blending in."
The Creation of Man and Man
Soon God grew bored with resting and watching the animals eat grass, and decided to make something more interesting. So He shaped a thing out of dust which he called a man, and He planted a garden called Eden and put the man in it.
Then God said to the man, whose name was Adam: "You can eat any of the fruit on these trees, but do not eat from that tree."
"Why not?" asked Adam, who did not understand the "don't question the guy who created you" contract.
God said: "It is the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. DO not eat from it."
Adam did not know what "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" meant, but thought that it sounded clumsily verbose. So he avoided the tree, and instead turned his energes on making the garden a beautiful place. He had instinctive fashion sense. He made certain that all the leaves were color coordinated, and if a bird presumed to eat from a tree that did not compliment its feathers, Adam chased it away with a long beaded stick.
Presently it happened that Adam developed hormones, and one day God caught him sitting under a pear tree, leafing through a copy of Playgirl magazine.
God saw that something must be done. He considered making another person out of dust, but that seemed too repetitive. So instead, He attempted to extract one of Adam's ribs while the man slept.
Adam awoke with a shrill cry. God, taken aback, decided to go back to the dust idea. So He made another man out of dust, and this one He called Steve. He brought Steve to Adam.
And the two men were both naked and were not ashamed.
The Discovery of Sexual Orientation
Now of all the animals the serpent was the most clever. And one day while Steve was painting colorful murals on a tree, the serpent said to him, "Would you care for one of these delicious apples? They are most juicy."
And Steve looked at the apples, and indeed, they were shiny and green. So Steve reached out to pluck an apple from the tree.
But before his fingers could touch the fruit, Adam appeared, and cried out, "What are you doing?" Steve hesitated; but Adam continued to shout at the snake: "You are a green snake. You don't belong in a green tree! You will completely destroy the decor." He then quickly plucked the snake from the treebranch and settled it upon a purple tree, which was indeed much more colorful.
Then Adam went back to Steve, and he asked, "What's up?"
And Steve told him, "These apples look tasty. And they are organically grown. Want one?"
Adam did want one. So each man took an apple and ate it.
Then suddenly the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they were naked. And they immediately began to admire each other's abdominals. Steve felt slightly self-conscious about his, because he had not worked out as much as Adam had.
So the two men began to wander around the garden with arms linked, and they saw how colorful everything was, and how beautifully the birds sang. They swam together in a lake and then lay side by side upon a rock so that the sun would dry them. And as it happened, new feelings began to arise.
Steve said, "Since eating that apple I continue to feel many strange things. I no longer want to be your decorating companion. I am beginning to want to do more than decorate with you."
And Adam replied: "I feel the same way, Steve."
Meanwhile God finished His bubble bath and made His way down to the garden of Eden. It happened that He came upon the two men kissing by the waterfall.
And God was at once infuriated. And He said, "Who told you to do that which you are doing?"
Adam said, "No one taught us. We figured it out for ourselves."
"But there was also an article about it in Playgirl," said Steve helpfully.
Then God said to them, "Why are you doing this thing?" And He accompanied "why" with a flash of thunder and lightning to make it more dramatic.
And Steve said, "Because we are in love."
God's vanity was instantly offended. And He said to Steve: "Because you have done this,
I will make more human beings,
And I will create them with such an insecurity
That they will be threatened by you.
And I will command these people
To publish books and websites condemning you
And to shout hateful things
And occasionally to kill you and others like you.
And you shall not be allowed to marry
Or adopt children."
To this Steve said, "Why would we want to marry children?"
God smacked him.
Then to Adam He said: "Because you have done this,
All the stuff that I just said will happen to you also."
Then God drove Adam and Steve out of the garden of Eden; and because He thought it looked cool, but mostly because he wanted to affirm His masculinity with overdone special effects, He put a flaming cherubim at the entrance.
After the Garden
Now Adam had relations with Steve, and afterwards they went shopping at Macy's.
And they spent hours dressing themselves up, and dressing each other up, and looking in the dressing room mirrors. Steve bought a purple feather boa and Adam bought a thong.
Then the two of them went outside and it began to rain. Steve became sentimental and started to cry, but refused to go inside. So Adam brought out their boombox and put on their favorite CD by the Village People. And they danced in the rain with the feather boa until they were too tired to dance any more.
They lay down on the wet grass. Soon the rain stopped. Adam reached for Steve's hand, and Steve gave it to him. And on the horizon a rainbow appeared, and both men saw that it was good.